I went back up to college I graduated from on Friday for a visit. I feel a little obscure, squirmy sense of shame about seeing people from there because I'm not yet working in my field of choice - I have to get better about that and put more effort into putting myself out there for a job. I know there's things I'm doing wrong and I know it's also that I'm entirely inexperienced and the first call back I ever got pretty much hung up after I said that so - yeah, there's other reasons people don't consider me good for the jobs but that's the most frustrating one because I can't do anything about getting professional experience without, ya know, getting professional experience.

But anyway, that aside, going back up was interesting. A lot of my closest friends still either go there or live there. Barring my best friend herself, pretty much everyone I know is at least an hour away north or south. Needless to say I haven't been up there in awhile. As in, since September. It was... definitely something I needed. I'm such a introvert that it's easy for me to get myself lost in the world and let it all slide by. I work in retail - I'm not friends with my fellow employees, not really. I don't want to. I could make excuses for various reasons but honestly - I never ache for new friends. I only ache for the friends I already have. People usually consider themselves my friend for days, weeks, months, years before I look up and go "Oh hey - I guess they probably won't mind if I call them friend right?"

Part of it is exactly that - I don't want to assume thing. It's a frustrating thing when I take a step back from it but I can't stop myself. I won't put a name to my relationships with people, to emotions connected to them, won't touch or hug because I don't want to assume. Well, all right, let's be honest - sometimes I just don't want to touch. (So, seriously Wal-Mart customers, I don't care if you're old, young, male, or female, get your fucking hands off of me. I am an employee, I am not public fucking property) But it's a wonderful thing to realize that I can assume and that months of not seeing people and even awkward not-talking to each other because my best friend broke up with my other best friend and two out of the three of us kind of suck at communication online (or, in my case, just suck at communicating in general) so yeah. There was that.

It was good to be a part of them again. And I have to admit - I'm kind of glad I can just visit and don't have to immerse myself in it constantly. Honestly, the group up there is made of gamers and anime kids. Even if we didn't like both or either of those things, they were the people we fit with best. And because of that, there's a sort of "We're all geeks, stick together" view which has a very large and confusing group of people with smaller groups within. So there are the perhaps half dozen or so people (Three) that make up the people I care about - but each of them is connected into a larger group as a whole... Well, there's drama and so many undercurrents there that I think I would want to smack them all if it came out in the open. Not that it would. (Being called passive aggressive offended so many people up there because I don't think there's a single person who can't say they haven't pulled it at least once)

I do plan to visit more often if I can. And possibly try to get best friend to go up there, but other best friend is up there and the former's response to exes (as a defense mechanism, no matter who broke up with whom) is to usually feel anger at them. For various reasons that I understand but am not going to get into. Best friend at college's reaction would mostly just be sad-hurt and since it would be incredibly obvious, she'd get angrier about it, he'd get more sad-hurt and... yeah. She says she can handle it, he'd probably say the same thing, and they may be the only two people I can call honest bullshit on without feeling that I'm going to do irrepairable damage to our friendship, but that doesn't mean I like doing it.

Generally just being around people made me feel better. I have a lot of the same worries that have been slowly building in my head but instead of them solidfying into little balls of fear... I don't know why, but maybe it's just getting out of my own head for awhile has made them better. Everything is still there but they are all manageable problems. Ones I can't ignore, but things that as long as I do my best about them, will just be handled by time. There's no one real problem that's anything too large anyway - just a lot of stupid small ones.

In recap, friends are a wondrous thing, I need to not be scared that they aren't my friends, and my friends are still human and therefore have drama.

And now I will go back to writing about Gwaine who blindsided me into making me like Merlin Series 3 when I was sure I would hate it. What's that about?


natala: Unicorn running with a dark background and words "light in the dark" (Default)

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